When Your Ex Says I Dont Want to Fall in Love With You Again
Why getting back with an ex is and so compelling
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You bankrupt upward, for good reasons. So why exercise so many former couples reunite further down the line?
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Earlier this summer, 17 years after they split, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got back together – and triggered an internet avalanche of early 2000s nostalgia, glamorous glory intrigue and cultural analyses. They're a power couple, and tabloids and Twitter users alike can't look away.
But perhaps the about relatable reason regular people are then fascinated by what's otherwise a celebrity-gossip story is that exes found dearest again.
For many, navigating ex-partners is a reality of romance. That reality can be negative – one filled with cautionary tales and former partners who can't take a hint. But rebuilding a human relationship tin likewise be a tempting venture and even a goal for some people, especially when the success stories sound like something out of a fairy tale. Plus, research suggests the amount of couples who break up and get back together is as high as l%.
The pandemic has even accelerated this process for some: amid a global wellness crisis and lonely, sexless lockdowns, many people establish themselves reaching out to an ex, hoping to find that old spark.
Experts say that, if both former partners are interested, pulling a 'Bennifer' of your own can yield positive benefits – if yous're willing to put in a lot of work, and accept an open mind.
What draws people to exes
One of the biggest upsides of re-inbound a old human relationship is that you mostly know what you're getting into. "There tin be some real advantages to really knowing a partner well before giving a long-term relationship a endeavor once more," says Michael McNulty, a couples therapist in Chicago and trainer at the Gottman Constitute, an organization that studies relationships and offers counseling.
McNulty says every romantic relationship has "perpetual differences". These are points of possible conflict, like navigating a shared living space, money, sex, kids, friends, family and more than. Fifty-fifty happy couples have them, since a relationship is always fundamentally two different people with different personalities and worldviews.
Getting dorsum together with an ex can pb to a fairy-tale happy ending, only but if both partners seriously revisit what went wrong before, experts say (Credit: Getty Images)
McNulty says, co-ordinate to Gottman Institute research, these perpetual differences make upward 69% of the issues most couples confront in a relationship. Long-lasting, slow-called-for issues are the real human relationship poison – non big, explosive, single events or confrontations. "About marriages or relationships end by ice instead of fire," says McNulty. Some couples "detect it too difficult to talk near or work on differences around primal problems. They often grow more distant, and [go] more similar roommates than they are spouses or lovers."
That's why some people may want to get back together with an former partner, or to try and stick it out with their current one. Because while we often go into a new relationship expecting it'll be improve than the last, McNulty urges some caution: "If yous're in a relationship and you're thinking about leaving, be careful, because you're basically trading 69% of perpetual differences with one partner with 69% of perpetual differences for some other."
And so if you get back with an ex, you at least already know what those perpetual differences are going to be. Getting into the groove of the relationship could feel like less hassle than meeting someone new and starting from scratch.
"Y'all're picking up where you left off," says Judith Kuriansky, relationship and sex activity therapist, and adjunct professor of psychology and teaching at Teachers Higher, Columbia University, in New York City. For some people, it feels "better to go back to someone that you kind of know something nigh, than someone you don't know anything about".
Celebrating what'due south changed
Some other benefit to getting back with an ex is awareness of what's changed in the time you've spent autonomously. You may be disadvantaged when dating someone make new, because you're non aware of how they might have grown and changed in a positive way over fourth dimension. With an ex, you lot get more than of a before-and-later snapshot. Kuriansky says one of the most mutual reasons for exes rebooting their romance is "feeling like they've grown and matured".
Violette de Ayala is the Miami-based CEO of a women'southward networking organisation called FemCity, who'south spoken publicly about how she remarried her ex-husband of 20 years in 2019. "When we started to date once more, it was nice considering we knew each other, merely certain elements of us had changed," she says. "We both worked on areas we needed to work on while autonomously, and we were in many means 'new' to ane some other."
"The elements of ourselves that evolved made reconnecting a beautiful procedure while working through some of the pain from the break-up," adds de Ayala. "He no longer took our relationship for granted. He started to get me thoughtful gifts, and will at present stop randomly and share his love for me and appreciation. That didn't exist the first time around."
Conversely, if you lot've spent a long time away from someone, go dorsum together and find that you autumn into the aforementioned toxic patterns as before with that person, that noesis can be advantageous, too. Sensing that you're going to see the aforementioned headaches all over over again could give you the foresight to avoid the same disaster twice.
"Sometimes, with the wisdom of years and experiences in other relationships, people feel similar, 'oh gosh, maybe I can work through that gridlock issue we had'," says McNulty. Just he stresses the key is "people need to know what their irreconcilable issues were before, and really have an honest await at whether or not everything's dissimilar now".
Rekindling an erstwhile romance is definitely not for everyone, relationship experts say, simply the familiarity that exists tin atomic number 82 to possible benefits (Credit: Getty Images)
'Apocalyptic love and sex activity'
Before you start sliding into your ex's DMs, ask yourself why y'all're doing it – because enough can go wrong.
While 1 of the joys of getting back with an ex is the comfort or familiarity, Kuriansky says that longing for comfort tin be misplaced, specially lately as nosotros seem to alive amidst constant chaos. Last May, when lockdowns were rolling out, research from Indiana University's Kinsey Institute, which studies sex and relationships, suggested that every bit many as one in five people were texting their exes while in isolation.
"I call it 'apocalyptic honey and sex'," she says. "Which is, 'there own't no tomorrow, so I amend settle'." Kuriansky has studied romance during periods of disaster and terrorism, and says it'due south mutual for people to reconnect with past lovers due to "the sense there could non exist a tomorrow – now with Afghanistan, natural disasters everywhere, [people experience like] they're living in a state of Armageddon", so they want to go back to a person who at i time provided love and security.
Take a difficult look at why you lot're reaching out to an former flame. Is it considering yous're trying to quiet feet from scary news headlines by seeking comfort from an quondam flame, and not considering you lot actually miss the human relationship and are willing to go through the very real effort of making it work? If information technology's the latter, take that as a cerise flag.
Kuriansky also advises soliciting the feedback of friends and family before pursuing an ex. Many may react negatively, especially if the human relationship ended badly. But the purpose of this practice isn't to invite judgment from loved ones; rather, they tin can bring you back down to Globe and remind you lot why the human relationship was problematic.
"Be prepared for other people's opinions. Nigh people will say, 'What? You lot're getting dorsum together? Are you kidding? Why?' They're going to bring up all those memories, so how are you going to deal with that?" says Kuriansky.
Exist set to confront those memories – not just with yourself and with your loved ones, simply with your ex themselves, which can exist the hardest part. "That is one slice that was rather challenging and we had to work through. Leaving the past in the by," says de Ayala. "There is then much history that can be dragged upward, simply at that place has to be a common understanding that from here forward, forgiveness, communication and the feeling of [starting] afresh" is what will bear the relationship further into the time to come, she says.
Many of usa may observe ourselves longing for a lost love. If we go well-nigh it in a realistic, salubrious way, information technology could, maybe, piece of work out – if both people are on the same page.
When Your Ex Says I Dont Want to Fall in Love With You Again
Source: https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210830-why-getting-back-with-an-ex-is-so-compelling